looking back...

A forwarded email...which struck a cord.

> Tumatanda ka na, friend.
> Nasa Friday Magic Madness na yung mga paborito mong kanta.
> Nakaka-relate ka na sa Classic MTV.
> Lesbiana na yung kinaaaliwan mong child star dati.
> Nanay na lagi ang role ng favorite mong matinee idol noon
>
> Dati, pag may panot, sisigaw ka agad ng "PENDONG!".
> Ngayon, pag may sumisigaw nun, ikaw na yung napapraning.
> Parang botika na ang cabinet mo.
> May multivitamins, vitamin E, vitamin C, royal jelly, tsaka ginko
> biloba.
>
> Dati, laging may inuman. Sa inuman, may lechon, sisig, kaldereta,
> inihaw na
> liempo, pusit, at kung anu-ano pa.
> Ngayon,nagkukumpulan na lang kayo ng mga kasama mo sa Starbucks at
> oorder
> ng tea.
>
> Wala na ang mga kaibigan mo noon.
> Ang dating masasayang tawanan ng barkada sa canteen, napalitan na
> ng walang
> katapusang pagrereklamo tungkol sa kump! anya ninyo.
> Wala na ang best friend mo na lagi mong pinupuntahan kapag may
> problema ka.
> Ang lagi mo na lang kausap ngayon e ang kaopisina mong hindi ka
> sigurado
> kung binebenta ka sa iba pag nakatalikod ka.
> Ang hirap nang magtiwala.
>
> Mahirap nang makahanap ng totoong kaibigan.
> Hindi mo kayang pagkatiwalaan ang kasama mo araw-araw sa opisina.
> Kung sabagay, nagkakilala lang kayo dahil gusto ninyong kumita ng
> pera at
> umakyat sa tinatawag nilang "corporate ladder".
> Anumang pagkakaibigang umusbong galing sa pera at ambisyon ay hindi
> talaga
> totoong pagkakaibigan.
> Pera din at ambisyon ang sisira sa inyong dalawa.
>
> Pera. Pera na ang nagpapatakbo ng buhay mo.
> Alipin ka na ng VECO, PLDT, SkyCable, Globe, Smart, at Sun.
> Alipin ka ng Midnight Madness.
> Alipin ka ng tollgate sa expressway.
> Alipin ka ng credit card mo.
> Alipin ka ng ATM.
> Alipin ka ng BIR.
>
> Dati-rati masaya ka na sa isang platong instant pancit canton.
> Ngayon,dap! at may kasamang italian chicken ang fettucine alfredo
> mo.
> Masaya ka na noon pag nakakapag-ober-da-bakod kayo para
> makapagswimming.
> Ngayon, ayaw mong lumangoy kung hindi Boracay o Puerto Galera ang
> lugar.
> Dati, sulit na sulit na sa yo ang gin pomelo.
> Ngayon, pagkatapos ng ilang bote ng red wine, maghahanap ka ng San
> Mig
> Light o Vodka Cruiser.
>
> Wala ka nang magawa.
> Sumasabay ang lifestyle mo sa income mo.
> Nagtataka ka kung bakit hindi ka pa rin nakakaipon kahit tumataas
> ang
> sweldo mo.
> Yung mga bagay na gusto mong bilhin dati na sinasabi mong hindi mo
> kailangan, abot-kamay mo na.
> Pero kahit nasa iyo na ang mga gusto mong bilhin, hindi ka pa rin
> makuntento.
>
> Saan ka ba papunta?
> Friend, gumising ka.
> Hindi ka nabuhay sa mundong ito para maging isa lang sa mga baterya
> ng mga
> machines sa Matrix.
> Hanapin mo ang dahilan kung bakit nilagay ka rito.
> Kung ang buhay mo ngayon ay uulit-ulit lang hanggang maging kwenta
> anyos ka
> na, magsisisi ka.
> Lumingon ka kung paano ka nagsimula, isipin ang mga tao at mga
> bagay na
> nagpasaya sa yo.
> Balikan mo sila.
>
> Ikaw ang nagbago, hindi ang mundo.

It explains a lot but not all. Life is a tad more complicated. Which is why growing old is such a pain. And unfortunately you can't go back to the way things were. Most of the time the choice isnt yours. You can only look back, try to remember where you were suppose to go and hopefully re adjust your direction.

Going back to the exact same place you were before is stupid. not to mention impossible. Because the people you were travelling with was part of the reason that part of your life was great. And chances are, they won't be in the same place you left them.

musical baton...

Speaking of which, the equalizer in the car was stolen. And they broke the window to open the darned doors.
Total volume of music files on my computer:
nada. All in cd's

Last CD I bought:
Il postino

Song playing right now:
let me go - 3 doors down

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Tell Me Where It Hurts (MYMP) - (i know, copycat) the first time I heard it was when they sang it live and I was hooked. The ambience and the people I was with makes it unforgettable.
Awit ng Barkada (APO) - story of our tropa
La vie en rose - because i want to be optimistic
Moon River - audrey hepburn and dean sison
I need to be in love (carpenters) - because there has to be a Carpenters entry


Crap. I dont know anyone I can pass this to...

hope springs

yep, the Philippines is corrupt. Do I think the issue will be resolved in our lifetime? nope.
But I think we ought to put in some effort for the future inhabitants of this country. In any case, its always nice to keep informed.

A topic even superheroes dare not touch with a bargepole, I wish these guys the best.

http://anticorruptioncoalition.blogspot.com/

blind spots

I've often wondered why people stay in an intolerable situation, complain a lot but refuse to do anything about it. I could never understand why there are abused women who tolerate the abuse.

Well I think the point has truly been driven home.

I can remember a time when I would exuberantly take a blind corner, reckless and daring. I relished the challenge of starting something new. Cocky and untouched.

But somehow, along the way, I lost it. The unwavering daring and the considerable amount of stupidity that pushed me to do those things (only I seriously doubt if I did lose the latter or it just mutated into some other form). And I realized it just now. I lost it in maturity avenue.

And it hit me that that is the reason why old people drive slowly. Why people suffer untolerable situations. Because there are ways to cope in a difficult situation but it is so much more difficult to face the uncertainty of a blind corner.

run for your lives!!!

I was quite tired and listening to a friend's rants while on my way home yesterday. I was quite full, having partaken a disgustingly big meal, which wasnt such a good idea because it later on it occured to me that it might be my last. But i digress.

We came from the bridge that connects Landmark and Glorietta (Ayala center is a big mass of crisscrossing malls and bridges)and we were already in the atrium. I was planning to go to G4 and buy some sugarfree cake from Bizu to give to my diabetic grandmother for valentines. Now, we noticed a mass of people running from the alley that connected SM Makati to Glorietta and they were all rushing to the G4 alley. Since G4 is were the cinemas were at, I thought, "Oh no, not another batch of crazed fans rushing to meet piolo or richard or some such cheesy star". And then I saw that even people from the ground floor were also running. And that was then that something dropped and I grabbed my brother dog and ran back. The first thought I had was, fire... SM is burning, and it was only newly renovated, I hope they have insurance.

Now, it was already escalating to a stampede because the people behind us also started running, although they had no idea why we were running. During which time I thought back to Lion King and thought, Im dead. And my parents will kill me if something happens to my brother. My brother started running to a branching alley because the entrance to Landmark was already being swamped. So we tried to go there and saw people running towards us, and I thought, oh no, its also there.

At this point, it is quite relevant for me to tell that during lunch we were discussing ghost stories in the office. I cannot remember why exactly we were frightening ourselves with ghost stories on Valentines, but people here do have a great sense of irony.

As I saw the people from that alley rushing back towards us, it flashed in my mind that maybe people just saw a ghost. (My officemate who was with us thought that there were zombies attacking the mall). Of course we don't have any choice here but go back to the herd and contribute to the stampede. At this point, I was already huffing and puffing. And as we squeezed and elbowed people to get through, I thought, finally! that there was a bomb. In SM city. (the bus thing was a little too far fetched for my mind at this time since I only saw people running away from SM)

And then it really struck me that I may die. And I thought that while I am not particularly fearful of death, I wouldnt want to die as a victim of principles that I dont share. And not with my brother there.

Before, I do admit to be quite Machiavellian in my principles. I believed that at all cost, a leader does what needs to be done. But I realized that not every one shares the same belief and the same prnciple and those who dont subscribe to the principle shouldnt be ignored or sacrificed in the altar of self righteousness of a few.

To the victims and their families. I give my apologies. And my condolences... for the lives of the people affected and the principles you were never allowed to air.

Crossroads

Lately, Ive been feeling that Im losing in this race. That Im really not running the grand prix and im just part of the little side races... saling kit. Now, considering that Im already dead tired, Ive been feeling overwhelmed by the image that all the efforts that ive exerted may not amount to nothing in the big picture.

Now, in one of the past races that ive joined, i have met quite a few travellers. We were together for quite a while, and we were happy. We exchanged war stories, and to risk sounding mushy, we shared fuel. But on few of the branching roads, we parted. They chose their road, i chose mine. We started out on parallel roads but you know the nature of roads, the branches grow branches. And although the direction we were taking were the same and the roads were pretty much parallel, bushes eventually grew between the roads. You get the occasional shouts, but you never really saw the person on the other side.

What does this post get down to? Yesterday, the roads we were taking converged once again. Friends came from mountain tracks, crossed seas, took a bridge, all of them quite literally. And yesterday, we shared food, fuel and warmth. And for one night, we were quite happy to put up our feet, 8 people crammed together in one small car (again, im being literal here)and drove to the next pit stop.

Now, tired, exhausted but not beaten, im happy to pick up where I left off. I may not be part of the big race and I sure will take a long time to get to that finish line but Im happy. Because here in the side races, I can safely take a break without fearing that ill be part of a major highway accident.

Jaywalking

What is the origin of the word 'jaywalking'?

The complete Oxford English Dictionary traces the word jaywalker back to 1917 and labels it 'originally US'. There is a cross-reference to the word jay, which has a number of slang senses. The relevant one is 'a stupid or dull person, a simpleton. Also (as adjective) dull, unsophisticated; inferior, poor'. This is labelled 'US colloquial', and there is evidence of use from 1900. So persons who stupidly ignored traffic regulations were given (in Boston, it seems) this compact name.

That came from here.

When people make mistakes, sometimes we think they are stupid. Why? I don't really know. Maybe it's because since childhood, we have been given rules: "Hey, you, don't play with that kid because he's got a bad father" or "Get one and pass" or "Don't touch that." Even in games, we have been given all sorts of rules. Sometimes, as kids, we used to quarrel all about the rules. Remember playing Patintero or Taguan (Hide and Seek) with your neighbors? I remember one of the smaller kids telling the bigger kids (their older siblings, usually) that s/he has cheated and so on and so forth until all hell breaks loose.

As adults, we have all sorts of rules as well. Traffic rules, office rules, dating rules (and I actually saw my sister's book on this - a gift to her by one of her bestfriends during high school) and whatever else they may be. But the greatest rules are the moral rules.

I am sorry for the term but I don't know what else to call them but moral rules. It's why we talk about what is right and what is wrong. And sometimes we can't help but do what is wrong, even after much deliberation. Sometimes, the wrong things seem like the right things. Let me revise that: Sometimes, the wrong things feel right. Like smoking - it is harmful for the body and yet people do that because it feels right.

And just recently I heard of friends who got pregnant. Friends who I thought trusted me enough to let me share in their situation. I would have helped them through these things. But I felt that I was shut out of their lives. One of them I haven't seen in a while so I can't hold it against her. It's her life and I am glad that even though it has happened, the guy is with her, standing by her - They both admit their part in this thing. On the other hand, my other friend whom I see every week and we usually talk about such matters, didn't even think of telling it to me until our other friend asked her to do so because her tummy is showing already.

I guess when these things happen to you, you find it hard to tell to other people because they would think that you are stupid. Maybe it is the case because somehow, we are familiar with the moral rules. We know that people will probably talk behind our backs and say all kinds of nasty things. But with friends and family, it's hard to tell because they have expectations about us and once these things happen, we feel that we have failed them. There are rules that we abide by. Sometimes we break them and we end up bickering over these rules. And people get hurt. We hurt ourselves, we hurt other people around us too. The repercussions are greater in real life than in the games we used to play. (Hmmm. Maybe that is why sometimes the quarrels are longer, the arguments more heated. Especially, when nobody 'fesses up. Or sometimes everyone just gets too stubborn and/or proud.)

I have had friends who have had such situations in the past. I was thinking to myself, "What on earth were you thinking?" but even though I have blurted that out, I still stood by their side. Why? Because I don't want them to do hurt themselves more. I guess that is why I feel a bit hurt right now. Because one of the friends I currently see regularly has underestimated me. Sad, but this is what happened.

It was bad enough to have made a mistake but to try and kill the child living inside her was worse. I almost cried when I heard that. I wanted to go to her right then and talk to her, affirm to her that she is still loved despite having to raise the baby on her own. I guess that she couldn't bring herself to tell me because I lead Bible study sessions. We talk about purity and holiness. But we also talk about forgiveness, mercy and God's grace. I have used my past and current mistakes to show her my frailty as a human being, a person who is still being changed by God. And I guess she was intimidated by her perception of me.

This time, I want to walk beside her, holding her hand. I don't want her to make that mistake again. It's time to learn. Not just for her but for me as well.

Rail Transits

I went out on a shopping trip last Saturday and while stuck in traffic got around to thinking that life is literally a very long journey.

I wanted desperately to visit Divisoria (w/c is not unlike HongKong's shopping district, according to Mom) because of the amazing things you can buy in the area. I was well aware that it would be jam-packed but I persisted and really got great buys! In real life? You want to get the best out of life? get your butt moving, be ready to face fierce competition, bargain and fight like you are on your last peso. Sure you will get bruises and you'll get trampled on but you can get the greatest deals of your life in the process.

For too long i have preferred the air conditioned confines of the mall. Settled for the mediocre because I was too lazy to really get out the way to pursuing what I really wanted. As a result of which, got cheated and bad bargains.

Upon which, I decided to really go after what I wanted... Hongkong movie cds! I've never been to Ongpin (or Quiapo for that matter. All I knew was the name of the store but since I had my Mom with me, we decided to give it a go! So from Divisoria, we walked (somewhere along the way, she confessed that she doesnt really know exactly where Ongpin is). My feet hurt, and my shoulder was making crunching noises when I rotated it but we persisted.

And I found another store! not mei ah but one that also sells chinese movies and series! It was fun! The prices were a little high for me though, and I went out to try and get out of the trance that might get me to splurge (I get nightmares whenever I do that). And so we trekked on and found Mei ah! And I bought a movie I was looking for!!!

And then before we knew it, we were at the Carriedo LRT station!

I was exhausted but finding the one thing that really makes your day is worth it. Just now, I realize that I often forget to do things that really make me happy. It makes the happy days more special true but I think I kind of forget that we deserve to be happy everyday. Otherwise, life can get pretty pointless.

Bridges

There are some people in your life that literally helps you reach a different road in your life.

I read a friend's post about one such person, our college dean. She was both mentor and friend. She was not in any way perfect and Im sure her life wasnt either... but you wouldn't know it. She had such zest for life and you cannot help but be infected with the joy with which she faces difficulties.

She had such charm. But more than that, she touched people's lives. She touched mine. And I am so much blessed for having known her.

She was the guardian at a checkpoint. She generously and graciously opened another road for me to travel. And I am where I am because of it.